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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
sin harder.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see