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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My love language is hissing.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.