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Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face