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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
same bro
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.