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“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
early stone age tool
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
haha same
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.