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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?