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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.