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Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.