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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Tremendous stuff
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me when my alarm goes off
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”