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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.