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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
dream blunt rotation
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
taking June’s advice to heart
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*