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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.