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You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.