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“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it