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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
good morning
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years