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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69