You Might Also Like
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.