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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave