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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Yeah. This was me today.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Finally!
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts