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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping