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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend