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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
this is the best day of my life
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?