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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
this is so top tier i cant
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]