You Might Also Like
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
o shit
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Ah..makes sense now
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”