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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one