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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
wish me luck lads
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Spotted in New Orleans.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail