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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?