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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I had to Stop for this
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Snapes on a plane.
Don’t touch that.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.