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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
feetloaf
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.