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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
🤣🤣🤣
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
LOOOOOOL
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted