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“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Can’t stop laughing
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever