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the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.