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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
This guy gets it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
New favorite tiktok
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.