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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My teenage children choosing violence
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”