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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
next question.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.