You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm