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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.