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I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒