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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Google assistant rules
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Watson was Holmes schooled
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.