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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”