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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
*offers Batman cough drops*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.