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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Who did it better?
True.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”