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Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
This took me a second..
