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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“FOUND ‘EM!”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you