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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
<—- homeless romantic
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?