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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
May never get over this
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?