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Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Girl, same.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂