You Might Also Like
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Yep.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Can Happiness buy money?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.