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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Check your privilege
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret