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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?