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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
What a website
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot