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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Education is vital
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
