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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“How’s your day going?”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.