You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis