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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
It’s the weekend y’all
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*