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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?