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°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”