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What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
The dark side of Canada
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Breaking news:
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Risking my life for fun.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.