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Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget