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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.