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me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Tapped in
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
me logging onto twitter