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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Poetry is my passion
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.