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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.