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My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.