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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?