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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Rather alarming headline…
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”