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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Be vigilant
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Venn
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old