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*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Leaving the Barbers like
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit