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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Today’s Times
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
A family that plays together cheats.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.