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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
