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You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Asking the real questions!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
🐟✨ #re4
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
