You Might Also Like
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched