goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.