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@urmumsausername

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

@cbdoubleu

[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*

@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@Browtweaten

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

@FeelingEuphoric

her: i like a guy that can last long ūüėČ

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

@OBiiieeee

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

@BadMikeyBad

Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels