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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause


[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*


No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.


Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or


COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.


her: i like a guy that can last long ūüėČ

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit


Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents


Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?


Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels