The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
You Might Also Like
[Imagine Dragons Concert]
me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels