Can’t.. arguing with someone who thinks phone internet and internet internet are two different internets.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
Tug on my ponytail if you want to know what karate feels like.
me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*
me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.