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@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…

@jake_likes_naps

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

@botandy

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

@hardlyrelevant

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

@ShortSleeveSuit

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
??yes
??no
??other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

@kumailn

Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”

@mc_funbags

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

@1followernodad

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.