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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!