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Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.