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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
listen closely
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.