You Might Also Like
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆