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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
what does he know…
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot