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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
The legends were true
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
🙂🙃🥹
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.