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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
😂😂😂
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude