You Might Also Like
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
🛁
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.