You Might Also Like
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
seems like a niche market
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about