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I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.