You Might Also Like
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.