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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Important reminders
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
when you don’t want to be too vague
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Thank you corporation very cool
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here