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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked