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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.