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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon