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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.