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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
a New Yorker reject, for you
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.