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When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.