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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Not today. 😅
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.