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It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me