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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
WHY would you be happy about this?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree