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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today