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GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*