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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I need to get some bricks…
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks